The crazy English language

By Adil Mahmood

ENGLISH is the most widely used language in the history of our planet. More than half of the world’s books and three-quarters of international mail are in English. Of all languages English has the largest vocabulary — perhaps as many as two million words.

Nonetheless, English is a crazy language. There is no “egg” in “eggplant”, neither “pine” nor “apple” in pineapple, and no “ham” in a hamburger. “English muffins” were not invented in England nor “French fries” in France. Sweetmeats are candy, while sweetbread, which aren’t sweet at all, are meat.

We take English for granted. But when we explore its paradox, we find that “quicksand” can work slowly, “boxing rings” are square, and a “guinea pig” is neither a “pig” nor from “Guinea”. And why is it that a writer writes, but fingers don’t “fing”, grocers don’t “groce”, and hammers don’t “ham”? If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of booth be “beeth”? One goose two geese — so one muse two meese? One index two indices — one kleenex two kleenices?

Doesn’t it seem loopy that you can make amends but not just one amend, that you comb through the annals of history but not just one anal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends, and you get rid of all, but one, what do you call it? If the teacher taught shouldn’t the preacher “praught”? If a horsehair mat is made from the hair of horses and a camel’s hair coat from the hair of camels, from what is a “mo-hair coat” made? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? If you wrote a letter, perhaps you also “bote” your tongue?

Sometimes I wonder if all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other languages do people drive in a parkway and park on a driveway, recite at a play and play at a recital, ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a “slim chance” and a “fat chance” be the same when a “wise man” and a “wise guy” are opposites? How can “overlook” and “oversee” be opposites, while “quite a lot” and “quite a few” are alike? How can the weather be “hot as hell” one day and “cold as hell” the other?

Did you ever notice that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a “houseful” carriage or a “strapful” gown, or met a “sung” hero?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of the language in which your house can “burn up” as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by “filling it out” and in which your alarm clock “goes off” by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race. That is why when stars are “out” they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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